Hail to the Victors?

It is my personal opinion that one of the best things in life is the discovery that someone is worse than you, at anything. It doesn't feel good to be a loser. I don't like having to hide my head in shame. In sixth grade, I played the alto saxophone in the school band. During class, the band director would call on people at random and make them stand up and play a stanza alone, in front of everyone. I always hated this exercise. I didn't like the feel of a hundred or so eyes burning into me, judging me. I wasn't good at the saxophone and I despised playing it. I would shake when it was my turn and my fingers would slip. I hit the wrong keys. My reed would squeak between my lips. Sweat would form on my brow. But then would come Stephanie Wernke. She sat beside me in band. She wore glasses, her hair was always matted, for some reason she liked to paint her fingernails blue. And she sucked at saxophone. She was terrible, worse than me. She was on a whole other planet of suckiness light years away from the one I inhabited. And it made me feel better, to know that I was better than her. Sure it wasn't much of an accomplishment, to play better than someone whose ability could most likely be rivaled by some smart canine on Letterman's Stupid Pet Tricks, but it felt good to know that I wasn't the worst at saxophone. I wasn't even close.

This is how the University of Michigan football team should feel after this past Saturday's game. They kicked the crap out of Notre Dame. You couldn't really ask for a better outcome when playing one of your biggest rivals, and I understand and respect that my team is now pumped. But let's not get too carried away. It's not like beating Notre Dame was any kind of a challenge. You know those great videos on the Discovery Channel where out in the pride lands, a group lions fiercely chases an antelope. The antelope is quick. It darts back and forth, makes quick cuts, changes directions, tricks the predators. But then, the lions converge from all sides, pull the antelope to the ground, rip it limb from limb. Yeah! Awesome! This wasn't like that. Nope, this game was more like a pack of hungry lions descending on a sick and decrepit antelope, laying motionless on the ground, slowly dying. Of course they're going to kill it. Obviously they'll be able to rip the poor beast limb from limb. And you almost feel bad for the pathetic antelope, until you remember that this how it works. One animal has to die for another one to live. Notre Dame must lose horrifically for Michigan to feel at all redeemed.

And there is at least a small sense of redemption, fleeting as it may be. Finally it is someone else who looks the fool. It wasn't Michigan dropping passes, fumbling snaps. Yeah our true freshman quarterback tried to run a trick play and fell on his ass, but he got right back up and started laughing. He threw three touchdown passes and had a good time. He was fun and charismatic and, let's face it, better than our Senior starter has been thus far. But this still wasn't a kick up your heels and start chanting Big Ten Champions sort of game. I don't feel significantly more confident about facing Penn State now than I did last week. I wouldn't go guaranteeing any victories, and I'm quite certain Mike Hart has no intention of doing so either. Because the truth of it is, Notre Dame sucks. They're awful; and beating them doesn't mean we're good, just better than the worst. I know from experience. It's not as though every time Stephanie Wernke missed a note I somehow grew closer to being Charlie Parker. I was still just as bad as I'd always been, which was worse than everyone else, but much much better than her. And I fear the same is true for Michigan. For now though, it seems necessary to revel in this win, to allow oneself a full week of chest swelling pride. For there are few things better in this life than the opportunity to say "Yeah, we suck. But man, you suck so much more." And there is perhaps nothing better than saying it to Notre Dame.